the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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