Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
