just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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