He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
