She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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