Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
