Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
