If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
