Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
