If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
