if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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