I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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