I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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