I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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