I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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