this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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