Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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