why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
