We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
