The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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