I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
