90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
