Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You can't special order awesome
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
