I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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