i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's never too late to be topless.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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