Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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