so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
