yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you have to choose: penises or morals?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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