p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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