So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you didnt know i had herpes?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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