I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she woke up with a sticky ear
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
