sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
