just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
