maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
