you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
