either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
