my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
