sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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