somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't deserve a penis
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
