I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
