drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Boobs speak an international language.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
