Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
