There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
