we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
