After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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