Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
