how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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