We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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