I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
