What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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