I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My bed smells like the plague
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
