Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
