I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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