Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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